This blog picture is not like the others. There is no blue ocean nor clear fresh air. It’s a dry desert with shedding skin of a snake which depicts what I experienced this past week. I was in Atlanta for the EVOLVE conference hosted by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. I went alone and was excited to meet up with women who had gone through the certification with me from around the world. There were hundreds of people there all who were Mindful soul-seekers, many of whom were certified Conscious parenting coaches, like me, while others were just avid followers. The conference started Friday night and went through Sunday night. I flew in Thursday night to work from the hotel on Friday before the conference.
While working from my hotel room going through emails, I encountered a huge disappointment which, in the moment, left me completely numb. Notice, I did not say I “suffered” a huge disappointment because after processing what happened throughout this week, I feel like it was a wake-up call, and I am not suffering at all. It doesn’t matter what the disappointment was, I just want to tell you how it was handled because this applies to ALL disappointments whether personal or work related.
First, I was attached to a future outcome. Second, I was reliant on the outcome happening based on someone else’s decision. This mindset almost always leads to disappointment. When I found out what happened, I communicated with the other person only to receive a weak response. I then had a physical reaction where I became foggy and numb. I made it through the rest of my workday as best as I could. I took my usual virtual yoga class from the hotel room which allowed me to breathe deeply and release tension. I realized I had barely breathed for the past 6 hours. It felt so good to expand my lungs which de-escalated my confused anger. I was teary through my yoga class, and I allowed the emotion to flow out of me.
After yoga, I changed and went to the conference which was from 7pm – 10pm. I found a chair and sat quietly in the back as I was not ready to interact with anyone. Through my training, I learned that pain is just another emotion such as love, happiness, boredom and anger. We are humans who experience emotions so we should not squelch or ignore our emotions but rather embrace and accept whatever comes our way. I sat in the back of the room and I “sat in my pain”, I did not question it, I just let it float around my body and I told myself that it’s OK and I would be OK.
I was glad I was not home as my husband would have been the witness of my emotions and being a good guy, he would have felt helpless to fix it. I was glad to spare him from being absorbed into my pain. I also would have called friends which would have continued to escalate the situation as I reiterated what happened over and over. Being alone, I just sat there breathing and listening to the wisdom and aligning it with my situation. As the hours went by, the pain was still there but I made friends with this pain. I realized it was here to help me shift and grow. This was a HUGE pivotal point in my relationship with myself. Dr. Shefali was on stage saying, once we “wake up” from the dream (of expectation), the next step is to make a choice. It’s like the inner child in us is dreaming and now the adult has shown up to force a choice. We are then co-creators in the next step we take. If I choose to do nothing and continue as things have been, I can’t complain that things are not changing for me as I knowingly made the choice to do nothing. I was aware how lucky I am that my pain was work related and I felt grateful for my immediate and extended family.
I decided to walk-the-walk, and I hired a certified coach who is an alumnus of the Conscious Parenting Institute. I needed help in navigating my next step as I was grappling with two choices. Even with training, it is not feasible to coach ourselves. We are too enmeshed with our own feelings to process things clearly. By the time I had my coaching session, I was already feeling much stronger. My coach helped me understand my pain and what the pain was trying to tell me. I was surprised what came out. My pain was pleading with me not to allow people to take advantage of me, which seems to be a pattern at work. WOW! It was a wake up! I knew then that I needed a Do Over, and we talked about what that looked like. Suddenly, I no longer felt any pain or doubt and the road in front of me opened up with completely clarity. I felt strong and happy with a clear picture of how I want to show up for myself and how I want to proceed forward. I saw that one of my choices was a repeat of my old pattern, so I released that path.
Part of me died that Friday in the hotel room. Not the good part, but the needy doubting part of me. I shed this skin and have emerged newer and shinier self.
For parents: When we fail on our own terms that is called a natural consequence and we learn from it. When someone else tells us we are failing, we go into resistance, and for children this creates insecurity. Give children the space to figure things out themselves.
We all tend to repeat patterns unknowingly. If you find yourself in the same situation over and over, it’s time for a Do Over! If you would like to shed that outer skin that is keeping you stuck in your own pattern, I am here to help navigate any challenges for yourself, as parent or grandparent. I don’t only talk-the-talk, I walk-the-walk, and I can tell you first-hand that a coaching session can help immensely.
~Andi
Well done Ands, I admire and feel your strength. Great blog xxxxx